So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
