don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
