shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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