don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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