So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
