Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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