gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
