I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize