Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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