So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I will die if light touches me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
