Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
