Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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