The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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