The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
