Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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