Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
