i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
