so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize