Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
