WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
