Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
