His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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