guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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