I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
