the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
