Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
