I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Randomize
