My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
that's an acceptable place to lick
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
