I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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