New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
