i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
