I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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