I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
