Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
