If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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