We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize