I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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