Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
