I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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