saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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