i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
