I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
