You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
