I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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