I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
