i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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