Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
