Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
