Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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