I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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