I haven't been this sober since birth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
