Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
