he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have already put on my inside pants.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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