Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
4 words: hood of his car
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
