Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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