When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
