I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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