What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
