just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
