Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
