last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize