I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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