did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
