the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
