I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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