You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
