Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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